Parental alienation? What’s that all about?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent disrupts or even poisons the relationship between the child and the other parent. It happens when a parent either puts down the other parent constantly or prevents contact between the child and the other parent.

It usually occurs when comments are made repeatedly in the child’s presence. It could be ridiculing the other parent’s financial contribution to supporting the child or regularly attacking any behavior trait.

Legally and morally, if you are the primary caregiver, you have an obligation to support and foster the relationship between your child and the other parent.

“Hold on,” you may be thinking, “you haven’t met my ex. He/She is an absolute nightmare and my child has a right to know what I have to deal with. I’m not saying anything that isn’t true.”

Why shouldn’t I let my kids know that their Dad doesn’t pay me anything?

Why shouldn’t the kids know that their Mum had an affair?

Isn’t honesty the best policy and don’t I owe my children the benefit of the truth?

Although your indignation may be justified, it doesn’t serve your child. A wise person once said that honesty without compassion is tantamount to abuse.

Just as you wouldn’t approve of your young children watching films with adult content you should not expose your children to derisive remarks about their other parent. This may be difficult, but it’s something you have to do.

In any case, once your children reach adolescence they will see for themselves the shortcomings of both of their parents!

When there has been such alienation that a child refuses to have contact with the parent, it is often the result of the other parent, usually the primary caregiver, making it impossible for the child.

What’s the harm?

Parental alienation can have devastating consequences for a child.

You don’t need to be a child psychologist to know that introducing certain concepts into immature minds can be extremely damaging.

Although it’s not easy, you must protect your child from negative “truths” about their other parent. Critical comments made by one parent about the other adds a level of conflict and threat to the child’s relationship with both parents.

Parental alienation sabotages the secure, positive attachments which are in your child’s best interest. The child is entitled to encouragement and protection to develop and maintain relationships with both of his parents.

A child might want to demonstrate loyalty to one parent, but that is at the considerable cost of professing hate for the other parent. In order to have one parent’s love and protection, the child has to turn against the other parent with whom the child may have a deep connection and attachment.

The child is forced to deny a part of himself or otherwise choose between the two most important people in his life.
When one parent openly criticizes the other, the child may also feel diminished. He is after all a part of both parents. Depending upon the child’s development, he may not have fully distinguished himself and his value from that of his parents. Hearing put downs about one of his parents can feel like a personal attack.

Not only can the child’s relationship with the other parent be irreparably damaged but it may also affect the child’s
self-image and self-esteem, identity, ability to attach to others meaningfully and sense of stability and safety.

Finally, parental alienation can backfire. The harm aimed at the other parent can come right back on the perpetrator as the child may resent the constant criticism and put downs.

What’s the alternative?

One of best things a parent can do is model the behavior she wishes her child to adopt. A parent who has an imbecile for an ex and chooses to respond with grace and dignity demonstrates that, regardless of how other people behave we are each in charge of how we respond. A valuable lesson to the child.

Protect your child and allow them to grow into their own truth. They will see for themselves in time, any uncompromising character traits of the other parent. Our love for our children should override our need for validation of our ex’s bad behavior.

If your child can see you being protective of the parent who is not there, they not only witness your good behavior but they know they can remain close to you and still love the other parent. That message shows the child that he is safe and in good hands. Yours.

If you’re struggling with this or any other element of your break up then get in touch.