After a bitter and painful break up, most of us analyse what we could have done differently during the relationship. The desire to figure out what went wrong is healthy and helps our growth in the long run, but letting your imagination run wild while coming up with reasons why your ex left, is not.
If you’re spending hours and hours thinking to yourself over and over again, “I shouldn’t have done that” or “If I hadn’t have been like that then we’d still be together.” Then it’s time to cut yourself some slack. This kind of thinking turns into a blame game and its not a good game to play.
You won’t start to heal until you stop playing the blame game.
Trying to re-write reality will make you go mad. It’s not easy, but the best thing you can do is accept the fact that what’s happened has happened and you can’t change the past. Rather than continuously thinking about all the things you could have done differently to improve the situation or avoid an argument, think of the relationship as a learning experience. You now know more about yourself and what you need from a relationship.
It’s not (only) your fault – Break ups are very rarely the fault of just one person. It takes two people to be in a relationship so you need to think about how both of you contributed to the relationships demise. Don’t beat yourself up. People change over time and though you may have been compatible in the beginning, not all couples will change in the same way. Sometimes, when we are not getting our needs met, it brings out the worst in us. We’re not at our best and what once seemed idyllic now seems like a nightmare.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu.
Don’t expect to be perfect – Nobody’s perfect…nobody. The biggest mistake anyone can make during a relationship is to change him or herself completely for the benefit of the other person. This will eventually cause unbelievable resentment. You shouldn’t ever have to suppress certain things about your personality. If you do have to, then you have to ask yourself “was I in the right relationship in the first place?”
We all make mistakes sometimes and a relationship is the place where we tend to make the most. You can’t put the blame for the downfall of your relationship just on the fact that he/she saw some flaws in you. It’s not your fault if he/she can’t accept you for who you are. Relationships shouldn’t be about how many mistakes you make or how perfect you can be. It should be about how you deal with your differences and learn to love each other in spite of your imperfections.
Blaming yourself can leave scars on your self esteem.
Accept yourself – Learn to love and accept yourself the way you are. If you tend to be a bit of nagger or you like things to be a certain way, don’t hate yourself for it. Embrace those qualities that make you unique. Be really honest with yourself, but don’t blame yourself. And if you did drive them away, calmly recognize your part, resolve to change and move on. You can’t change what’s already happened.
Every relationship experience contains a lesson. Look for the lesson and learnings, take them on board and then move on. You blaming yourself won’t change anything; it will just keep you stuck. Lowering your mood, your self esteem and your chances of finding happiness again.A new relationship is the chance for a fresh start. But you need to have dealt with all the negatives from your past relationships, forgiven yourself and moved on.
So if you’re continually telling yourself a story and beating yourself up about why you broke up, STOP! let it go and just resolve to do better next time.
If you need help with this then get in touch and let me help you to let go of the blame game.